But I finally got it all sorted out, and being the kind soul that I am, I thought I would just tell my readers what I had to learn the hard way when it comes to getting your computer fixed. Hopefully these twenty easy steps are simple enough for even the most tech-illiterate person to follow.
How to Fix Your Computer in 20 Easy Steps
1) Use your roommate Zack's computer to Google how to troubleshoot your own computer. Find nothing applicable to your situation.
2) Scour your brain for anyone you know who's good with computers.
3) Ask your roommate Zack whether he has the phone number for his former co-worker Denise. She was the one whose boyfriend worked with computer hardware, right? And didn't she tell him she thought you were cool?
4) Get Denise's phone number and ask her out to lunch just, you know, to catch up.
5) Take her to someplace inexpensive but classy. A sit-down place, for sure.
6) Notice that she looks a little... different than before. Pale and gaunt. And isn't she acting a little distant?
7) Shrug off Denise's change in appearance and proceed to make small talk. Ask, "What are you watching on TV these days? Have any trips planned? How about this weather, huh?"
8) Casually mention her boyfriend. Ask, "How's your boyfriend doing? Is he still working with computers?"
9) Be taken aback when Denise says she and... What was his name again? Richard? Be taken aback when she says that she and Richard have broken up. That must've been why she's not looking so great.
10) Ask, "So are you guys... still on good terms? Do you guys like, talk ever? About computers?"
11) Look sensitive and caring when she tells you, "No, it was a rough breakup. I'm still kinda not, like, doing that well after it."
12) Call the waiter over and order your meal. That'll cut the tension. Tell her how you've heard good things about this place.
13) When it gets really silent and awkward just before your food comes, ask, "Have you met a new special someone yet? Any new prospects who are good with technology in general or are especially good with MacBooks?"
14) Pretend not to notice as she wipes a tear away from the corner of her eye and tells you, "No, there's no one else. No one else at all."
15) Silently begin to eat your meal. She only pecks at hers, barely touching it. Ask her, "No appetite?" She'll nod silently.
15) Ask, "Were you ever, uh, attracted to any of the computer guys that Richard worked with? I'm sure you must've gotten along with some of his techie co-workers."
16) When she just shakes her head, dumbfounded and slack-jawed at your question, tell her, "Hey, I was just thinking that there's a lot of really nice guys that work at the CompuCity near my apartment. You know, that computer store? I really think you'd find a cool new guy to spend time with there. "
17) She'll say, "Tony, when you asked me out to lunch, I thought it was because you had heard I was single. I thought you were taking me out on a date."
18) Awkward. You were never that attracted to her, but you can still salvage this whole lunch. "How are you with computers?"
19) "Excellent," she'll say.
20) Finally say, "Check, please. My place or yours?"