I had a simple costume.

You got it! Thank God, someone finally got it. I'm dressed as an AMISH person. What's so hard about that?

It's a simple costume.

Look, I've got the suspenders, the beard, the straw hat, the blue collared shirt, and the black work pants. I'm totally Amish.

I was worried that some people would see my right hand in a cast and think that the cast was part of the cosume. It's not. I'm not Amish-Dude-With-A-Cast. I happen to have a cast during Halloween and I'm dressed Amish. And you saw that in me.

I also got a more than a few curious glances at the pistol I have on my waist here. I'm sure those children were just trying to figure out how the gun played into the costume. Silly kids! The gun's not part of the costume. It's for protection! Have you seen the crazy people out in San Francisco on Halloween? A man's gotta protect himself. I keep the safety on most of the time anyway.

And the syringes sticking out of my pockets? I heard some people asking about those, too. Relax, people! No need to get so scared of the Amish guy with all the mismatched syringes hanging out of every one of his pockets! They aren't part of the costume. They're for me! To take a little bit of the edge off! Who knows what's in 'em, but they sure do wonders. Halloween can be so stressful, what with all these little kids screaming and running away from me just because I'm an Amish man with a cast, syringes, and a gun totally covered in blood.

Am I the crazy person here!? I mean, so what? Can't a guy covered head to toe in blood just be dressed as an Amish person without having every passerby pull out their cellphones to call the police as he limps by?

Nearly every last drop of blood on me is my own! I was hit by a car downtown earlier tonight. It sure is hard navigating all those confusing one-ways around Market St. when you're super high on a grab bag's worth of syringes you got from a guy named Scratcher in an abandoned warehouse. I tried to get the driver's insurance information, but once I pulled out my gun and let out a few warning shots, the guy just drove off! Can you believe it? A hit-and-run. Some people, man. Really makes you wonder.

Oh, no, don't worry. I'm feeling fine now. I've re-set most of the broken bones now myself, and I have had quite a lot to drink since then. So I feel surprisingly good for suffering such apparently-massive damage to the entire right side of my body. I myself am surprised I'm still standing.

Yeah, my doctor said I shouldn't be drinking while I'm on these pills he gave me, but thank God I ran out of them three days ago. Where's the fun of Halloween if you can't drink because you're still on your anti-psychotics? LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!

What are you supposed to be, anyway?

Zombie Michael Jackson?

Not cool, dude. Too soon.

Me and a little piggy. Before all the blood and most of the drugs.

I love wine coolers.

I LOVE WINECOOLERS!!!1!

i Don't eevn care who konws about it because they are sooooooo good. Im a bad adult or whatever ths stupid blog says so i can like win e coolers and pass it off like its funny and not effemnate.

kI dont wanna go to work anymore i just wanna drink wine coolers all the time.

I just had a red one& it tasted like a Juice squeeze and bfeore that i had a blue one and it tsted like a melted otter pop. Generic otter pops wer bad but the real ones were real good and the blue wine cooler tasted like teh real blue otter pop.

I went to some stupid praty today and ths girl was drnking a YELLOW wine cooler and i drank one to be funny aND NOW ICANT STOP DRINKING THEM.

aFter my 9th or 11rd this girl said 'tony stop drinking tho wine coolers and get out of m y house." broken bartles &jaymes bttles are good weapons and i cut her real good with it because she cant talk like that about wine coolers.

My shirt's all stianed yellow blue and green and purple cuz i 've been dirnking wne coolers all day and red with bloodcuz i think just killed someone for telling me t o stop.

If you try to go to a bar adn order a wine cooler theyl'l tel you they don't sreve wine coolers and theyll tell you "oh my god is that blood on your shirt? & whydo you have a broken bottle? someone call the cops!" and when he wont quiet down whn you tell him to quiet down youll have to cut him with yoyur broken bottle.

a good way to get more wine coolers without piaying for them at a liqor store is to be coveredin blood cuz the guy behind the counter wll know how much you love win ecoolers and he'll know its not worth it trying to stop you

a g]ood way to get a free cab ride is oFfEer the cabby a wine cooler for a ride and promising not to hurt him with a broken bottle if he drives you home.

I just added tonic water and paint thinner to windex and ti doesnt taste like a wine cooler or otter pop but it's ok and i'lll probbly drink more. i'm good at making Wnecoolers.

i wanna be a Professional winecooler taste tester but i dont no how much they get payed but that's ok because i think i have a good idea about how to not have to pay rent. it invloves a broken bottle.

I have no clean clothes.

A letter to myself about what a fucking idiot I am.

Dear Tony,
You're a fucking idiot. You're at work, writing your stupid goddamn blog. In dirty, old clothes that don't even fit you. Because you're a total 'tard.

All of your clothes are at the cleaners. You clearly did not think this one through. You should bring your work clothes to the cleaners before you totally fucking run out of anything to wear.

You make me sick. And not just because a sweet, meaty stench is arising from the poorly-tended clothes you managed to scrape together this morning from the bottom of your closet, but also because you are so dumb it makes me nauseous.

That pair of pants? When's the last time you wore those? Your eighth-grade graduation? Cuz they pinch you at your waist (lay off the PBR, fatty) and they are short at your ankles. By the way, your socks are navy blue, not black like you thought they were this morning. And I'm not the first person to notice. Everyone else in the office saw it. I'm embarrassed for you.

Why are your sleeves rolled up, Tony? Oh, is it because you're wearing a cheap shirt you got on sale at the Gap Outlet and its sleeves are too long, seemingly tailored for Stretch Armstrong? Not only was it at the Gap Outlet, it was on the clearance rack. Did you think the thing was gonna fit you like a dream? It was $4.99 and the cuffs go past your fingertips. And I can see your undershirt through it. And I can see your nipples through your undershirt. Fatty.

You need to take a fucking girl with you next time you shop.

Oh, I forgot, you're a bearded loser in San Francisco, a city full of bearded losers. And they all like your cool 'underground' music. (Oh you're soooooooo trendy!) But, guess what, all the other bearded losers dress better than you. So good luck finding a girl to go with you anywhere.

Sincerely,
Tony

P.S. Everyone in the office went out for drinks yesterday and you weren't invited.

I can't find a roommate.

Is it because of my Craig's List post?
...

Hi!

I'm a 22 year-old college grad about to start at law school! But don't worry about that; I'm not ready for my soul to whither just yet! And don't worry about me becoming an asshole in the next few years as I get closer to being an attorney; I'm already an asshole!
I've got a sweet two-bedroom that I need a roomie for!

Me:
Brown hair and patchy, reddish beard
Short
Pasty white skin
Vague resemblance to the Lucky Charms Leprechaun (so don't expect to see me wearing too much green!)
I'm into whatever music other hip people are into, but if too many people like them, I'll stop.
I also love watching really bad movies, listening to bad music, and reading tabloids but all with a sense of irony and superiority.
How about an out-of-context true story about me? Okay. Carlos Santana once drove over my sandwich in his Mercedes.

Don't worry! My eyes aren't really lasers!

You:
A girl (Don't worry- It's not cuz I want to get with you... I want get with your friends)
But, still, you have to be single.
You must like NPR (You must be able to name the hosts of two of the following three shows: Fresh Air, This American Life, and Car Talk)
You must not care that we are paying the same rent as one another, yet I get the one parking spot allotted to the apartment.
You must not watch bad movies, listen to bad music, or read tabloids without a sense of irony and superiority.

Oh, and I do heroin. No cats; I'm allergic!