This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

I traveled back in time.

So I ran into this girl I went to high school with. I never really knew her but she was pretty and cool and nice. And when I saw her at this bar, she told me she wished I had asked her to homecoming sophomore year. Instead, I didn't ask anyone and stayed home alone.

Coincidentally, I invented time travel. Don't ask me how. (That's a subject for another entry!). I decided to put my invention to good use; I was gonna have Sophomore Me ask this girl out!

I turned the dial aaaaaaaaaaallllll the way back to the Fall of 2001...


Present Me: Tony, it's me! You, from the future! I invented time travel to tell you--

Sophomore Me: Aw, shit, man.

Present Me: What?

Sophomore Me: Are you kidding me?

Present Me: Huh? What's wrong?

Sophomore Me: I don't get any taller?

Present Me: What? No... Still five foot seven-ish.

Sophomore Me: Awesome. Real awesome.

Present Me: Okay. A) I don't like your tone. B) Shut up for a second. I came here to help you, dude.

Sophomore Me: How?

Present Me: You know Jessie? The girl. A year older than you? I ran into her at a bar in the future and she told me she had a crush on me in 2001. That's now! You should totally ask her to Homecoming.

Sophomore Me: Oh sweet. How old are you?

Present Me: Twenty-Three.

Sophomore Me: Uh-huh. And what do you do for a living?

Present Me: Me? I work for Enterprise. Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

Sophomore Me: Oh. Huh. You, uh, in management there? Doing marketing for them, maybe?

Present Me: No. Just renting cars. Out of SFO.

Sophomore Me: You're shitting me.

Present Tony: I shit you not.

Sophomore Me: Fuck, man. For real?

Present Me: This conversations not about me, it's about you.

Sophomore Me: I am you.

Present Me: Shut up.

Sophomore Me: And you're telling me I rent cars when I'm twenty-three.

Present Me: Will you lay off me, dude? I invented time travel.

Sophomore Me: And the best idea you could come up with was a plan to get a fifteen year-old laid?

Present Me: You make it seem creepy.

Sophomore Me: It is creepy.

Present Me: Whatever, dude. At least I've had girlfriends.

Sophomore Me: Well, you obviously don't have one now.

Present Me: Oh yeah? How are you so sure?

Sophomore Me: Dudes with girlfriends don't worry about the girls they didn't get with 8 years before.

Present Me: I think you're really missing the point here. I time traveled.

Sophomore Me: I think you missed the point. You depressed the fuck out of me.

Present Me: Come on, dude. I went to a good college. Had lots of fun. I went to law school.

Sophomore Me: You went to law school? And you rent cars?

Present Me: Well, I dropped out.

Sophomore Me: Huh.

Present Me: What? What is it?

Sophomore Me: ...Nothing.

Present Me: You can't just say, "Nothing." I know you better than that.

Sophomore Me: I'm just really bummed these are the best years of my life. I mean, getting turned down by girls all the time, being the best runner on the worst cross country team in the county, and being second-chair saxophone in the Marin Catholic band. This is as good as it gets?

Present Me: At least you're thin.

Sophomore Me: Ah, man. You're thin, too!

Present Me: You mean it? I look thin?

Sophomore Me: No, you're a fat piece of garbage. Go back to the future. You make me sick.

Present Me: I had no idea I was such a dick.

Sophomore Me: What are you gonna do about it, you quitter?

Present Me: If I kill you, will I die?

Sophomore Me: Try me.


Moral of the story, if you travel back in time and kill an earlier version of yourself because it turns out you were a huge jerk, it doesn't kill the future version of you. And there's only one set of fingerprints at the scene.

The space-time-continuum is some crazy stuff.

1 comment:

  1. Unbelievable...Tay you never cease to amaze me! So will you invite us next time you do stand up? THANKS!

    P.S. This is Freight