This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I fixed my computer in 20 easy steps.

Grrrrr. My beautiful shiny MacBook Pro conked out on me earlier this week; it just stopped turning on! And, man, it is really hard to find good, easy-to-understand advice about how to troubleshoot computer problems.

But I finally got it all sorted out, and being the kind soul that I am, I thought I would just tell my readers what I had to learn the hard way when it comes to getting your computer fixed. Hopefully these twenty easy steps are simple enough for even the most tech-illiterate person to follow.

How to Fix Your Computer in 20 Easy Steps

1) Use your roommate Zack's computer to Google how to troubleshoot your own computer. Find nothing applicable to your situation.

2) Scour your brain for anyone you know who's good with computers.

3) Ask your roommate Zack whether he has the phone number for his former co-worker Denise. She was the one whose boyfriend worked with computer hardware, right? And didn't she tell him she thought you were cool?

4) Get Denise's phone number and ask her out to lunch just, you know, to catch up.

5) Take her to someplace inexpensive but classy. A sit-down place, for sure.

6) Notice that she looks a little... different than before. Pale and gaunt. And isn't she acting a little distant?

7) Shrug off Denise's change in appearance and proceed to make small talk. Ask, "What are you watching on TV these days? Have any trips planned? How about this weather, huh?"

8) Casually mention her boyfriend. Ask, "How's your boyfriend doing? Is he still working with computers?"

9) Be taken aback when Denise says she and... What was his name again? Richard? Be taken aback when she says that she and Richard have broken up. That must've been why she's not looking so great.

10) Ask, "So are you guys... still on good terms? Do you guys like, talk ever? About computers?"

11) Look sensitive and caring when she tells you, "No, it was a rough breakup. I'm still kinda not, like, doing that well after it."

12) Call the waiter over and order your meal. That'll cut the tension. Tell her how you've heard good things about this place.

13) When it gets really silent and awkward just before your food comes, ask, "Have you met a new special someone yet? Any new prospects who are good with technology in general or are especially good with MacBooks?"

14) Pretend not to notice as she wipes a tear away from the corner of her eye and tells you, "No, there's no one else. No one else at all."

15) Silently begin to eat your meal. She only pecks at hers, barely touching it. Ask her, "No appetite?" She'll nod silently.

15) Ask, "Were you ever, uh, attracted to any of the computer guys that Richard worked with? I'm sure you must've gotten along with some of his techie co-workers."

16) When she just shakes her head, dumbfounded and slack-jawed at your question, tell her, "Hey, I was just thinking that there's a lot of really nice guys that work at the CompuCity near my apartment. You know, that computer store? I really think you'd find a cool new guy to spend time with there. "

17) She'll say, "Tony, when you asked me out to lunch, I thought it was because you had heard I was single. I thought you were taking me out on a date."

18) Awkward. You were never that attracted to her, but you can still salvage this whole lunch. "How are you with computers?"

19) "Excellent," she'll say.

20) Finally say, "Check, please. My place or yours?"

Friday, March 26, 2010

I'm gonna take full advantage of this free health care.

Oh, snap. In your face, people who hate poor people.

Obama and Pelosi just hooked us all up with free health care, so no matter how we've screwed up our bodies, no one's gonna bill us. How sweet is that?

And to celebrate my new freedom, I'm gonna make sure I take full advantage of the services now available to me.

That weird clicking noise in my ankle? I can now get it X-Rayed... FOR FREE! And now I won't have to just wait for those blinding migraines to pass overnight; I can actually get medicine for them. And the best treatment for that sharp pain in my abdomen will no longer be "Hope-It's-Just-Recurring-Crippling-Indigestion-In-A-Weird-Spot."

But I'm not content to just take care of the ailments I already have. No, no. I want to get as many new illnesses as possible to make sure I get all that's owed to me.

If anyone out there wants practice as an amateur/unlicensed tattoo artist, my skin is now your canvas, since any future tetanus or hepatitis treatment will be FREE FREE FREE!

And I'm finally going to be able to take a live cannon ball to the stomach without worrying about how much it'll cost me. Internal hemorrhaging be damned, I'm gonna live out my lifelong dream of being a circus freak.

I'm even thinking of overcoming my fear of needles so I can take up intravenous drug use.

Now, I bet some of you out there are thinking, "But, Tony, won't behavior like this put an unnecessary strain on a system that is already over-burdened by skyrocketing health costs?"

And that's a valid question. In response, I say, "I... don't know." I just drank a gallon of bleach and I'm having a hard time focusing. My lips feel funny.

Joe Biden was right when he said this is a big fucking deal. And I'm gonna be a big fucking deal when I'm at the hospital, living like a king.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I take questions.

It's time once again to open up the ol' Bad Adult Mailbag. So, without further ado, here's some questions from some Bad Adult fans just like you.

Dear Tony,
Every Penis VIAgra and seealis pill CAN B yours! Nvr has a chance to B so str0ng and p0tent been availible to the pubic, & u can be 1ST! 8O9KL..- All U R need to do is forword cash to 0ur highly trained Drs and they will send to YOU the ULTImate sensationmaking expERience. All women U half EVER dreamd of will be at y0ur disp0sal and begging 4 more. need to bigger? WE Are the help y0u ha ve been praying for. Monies sent to American Products USA Inc. M0gadishu, s0malia.
--Dr. Cornelius Bloomfield, PhD

Dear Dr. Bloomfield,
My credit card number is 8765 9877 0924 exp 11/11. Do you need my social security number? Just in case, it's 908 43 5656. Mother's maiden name, Andretti. Can't wait!

Dear Tony,
What's up, you walking shit bucket? Remember me? When you were ten, you thought I was dead and flushed me down the toilet. Joke's on you, motherfucker, cuz I ain't dead. I'm alive and well and ready to kill. For thirteen years I lived in these filthy sewers. Doing pull ups everyday. Drinking protein shakes. Growing strong in my hatred. You think your blog's so funny? It won't be so goddamn funny once I nibble your goddamn fingers off. Get ready to die, you inconsiderate bastard.
--Ninja, your old pet goldfish

Dear Ninja, my old pet goldfish,
You want some of this? You think you can take me? Come and get it, you brainless carnival-prize. If I weren't a vegetarian, I'd eat you whole, but since I won't kill an animal, I will torture you. I will torture you so bad you'll pray you were at Abu-Ghraib. Water-boarding would be a relief from what you're in for, you floating orange turd. You'll wish you were dead. Tell your family to expect the same.

Dear Tony,
Please stop posting all that weird stuff on my website. You're creeping everyone out, which is really hard to do on my site.
--Craig Newmark, President of Craigslist

Dear Craig,
Then where else am I supposed to find a tub of rice pudding big enough for three? Riddle me that, nerd!

Dear Tony,

Dear Anonymous,
Really more of a hurled expletive than a question. But thanks for the interest!

On that note, ladies and gentleman, I seal up the mailbag. See you next time!