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Dear Dr. Bloomfield,
My credit card number is 8765 9877 0924 exp 11/11. Do you need my social security number? Just in case, it's 908 43 5656. Mother's maiden name, Andretti. Can't wait!
What's up, you walking shit bucket? Remember me? When you were ten, you thought I was dead and flushed me down the toilet. Joke's on you, motherfucker, cuz I ain't dead. I'm alive and well and ready to kill. For thirteen years I lived in these filthy sewers. Doing pull ups everyday. Drinking protein shakes. Growing strong in my hatred. You think your blog's so funny? It won't be so goddamn funny once I nibble your goddamn fingers off. Get ready to die, you inconsiderate bastard.
--Ninja, your old pet goldfish
Dear Ninja, my old pet goldfish,
You want some of this? You think you can take me? Come and get it, you brainless carnival-prize. If I weren't a vegetarian, I'd eat you whole, but since I won't kill an animal, I will torture you. I will torture you so bad you'll pray you were at Abu-Ghraib. Water-boarding would be a relief from what you're in for, you floating orange turd. You'll wish you were dead. Tell your family to expect the same.
Please stop posting all that weird stuff on my website. You're creeping everyone out, which is really hard to do on my site.
--Craig Newmark, President of Craigslist
Then where else am I supposed to find a tub of rice pudding big enough for three? Riddle me that, nerd!
Really more of a hurled expletive than a question. But thanks for the interest!
On that note, ladies and gentleman, I seal up the mailbag. See you next time!