This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I take questions.

It's time once again to open up the ol' Bad Adult Mailbag. So, without further ado, here's some questions from some Bad Adult fans just like you.

Dear Tony,
Every Penis VIAgra and seealis pill CAN B yours! Nvr has a chance to B so str0ng and p0tent been availible to the pubic, & u can be 1ST! 8O9KL..- All U R need to do is forword cash to 0ur highly trained Drs and they will send to YOU the ULTImate sensationmaking expERience. All women U half EVER dreamd of will be at y0ur disp0sal and begging 4 more. need to bigger? WE Are the help y0u ha ve been praying for. Monies sent to American Products USA Inc. M0gadishu, s0malia.
--Dr. Cornelius Bloomfield, PhD

Dear Dr. Bloomfield,
My credit card number is 8765 9877 0924 exp 11/11. Do you need my social security number? Just in case, it's 908 43 5656. Mother's maiden name, Andretti. Can't wait!

Dear Tony,
What's up, you walking shit bucket? Remember me? When you were ten, you thought I was dead and flushed me down the toilet. Joke's on you, motherfucker, cuz I ain't dead. I'm alive and well and ready to kill. For thirteen years I lived in these filthy sewers. Doing pull ups everyday. Drinking protein shakes. Growing strong in my hatred. You think your blog's so funny? It won't be so goddamn funny once I nibble your goddamn fingers off. Get ready to die, you inconsiderate bastard.
--Ninja, your old pet goldfish

Dear Ninja, my old pet goldfish,
You want some of this? You think you can take me? Come and get it, you brainless carnival-prize. If I weren't a vegetarian, I'd eat you whole, but since I won't kill an animal, I will torture you. I will torture you so bad you'll pray you were at Abu-Ghraib. Water-boarding would be a relief from what you're in for, you floating orange turd. You'll wish you were dead. Tell your family to expect the same.

Dear Tony,
Please stop posting all that weird stuff on my website. You're creeping everyone out, which is really hard to do on my site.
--Craig Newmark, President of Craigslist

Dear Craig,
Then where else am I supposed to find a tub of rice pudding big enough for three? Riddle me that, nerd!

Dear Tony,

Dear Anonymous,
Really more of a hurled expletive than a question. But thanks for the interest!

On that note, ladies and gentleman, I seal up the mailbag. See you next time!