This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

I planned poorly for being stranded on this desert island.

1. Okay. I really wish I didn't put Rumours on my list of five things I'd bring if I were stranded on a desert island. Granted, it's one of the greatest albums of all time. Definitely Fleetwood Mac's best effort. But, man, there are dozens and dozens of things I would have rather brought. And, dude, if I wanted to bring along a CD, I should have put a CD player on the list too. Then there's the issue of electricity. Or at least batteries. That's another thing I'd need to put on the list just for a Fleetwood Mac album. That would have been 60% of my list just to hear “Go Your Own Way.” “Rhiannon” and “Landslide” aren't even on Rumours, for God's sake.
God, it is hot on this desert island. It is really a desert island.
I would gladly, happily, trade out the CD for a bucket of cool, fresh water. Or the ability to purify the spring water that's been giving me debilitating diarrhea since I washed up on this god forsaken island's shores.
Or even just one of those dinky fan/mister things. You know what I'm talking about? The spray bottle with the fan? I am blistering in the daytime heat. Blistering. Some balm would be a good thing for the list. Because I am literally blistering.

2. I admit, yes, I was initially glad to have brought along For Whom the Bell Tolls. It's my favorite book. It gets my heart beating every time. The action. The drama. The romance. The fact that the paper makes excellent kindling. Sure I was only able to use it for one night of fire and sure I've been quivering and shaking in a fetal position as I try to fall asleep ever since, but how was I to have known that the temperature would drop so radically at night?

And at first I was happy to have brought along a lifetime supply of ChocoTacos. Yes, they're delicious. Yes, they were refreshingly cool under the hot tropical sun. Yes, I am glad to have had any sustenance on this barren sandbar 2,000 miles from land. But, again, ChocoTacos are one of those things that require other things to be of any actual use. Mainly refrigeration. Because now I have a lifetime supply of melted-ice-cream-filled mylar bags. And now they are attracting ferocious fire ants, which are very scary in light of my aforementioned blisters.
Maybe if I store the ChocoTacos on the other side of the island, the ants won't find me. Oh no, they see me. Oh, God, it's too late! They're coming right for me and they smell fear!

Flares? Nah. A radio set? Nope. Anything to construct some rudimentary shelter? Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just great with this Whoopee Cushion I asked for.
Oh, I am so glad to have brought along some comic relief. Just listen to it. PFFFST! Oh, the hilarity. I would laugh if my throat weren't so painfully, painfully parched.
Good news, though, everybody. At the rate I'm losing weight here, I'll be able to use the Whoopee Cushion as a flotation device in about three days.
Are there sharks out there?

But I am glad to have brought along Roscoe, my family dog. Sorry, Roscoe. You were delicious.

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