This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Friday, April 23, 2010

I am not someone you want to mess with.

Hey, do you know who you're talking to, buddy?

Listen, pal. You do not wanna screw with me. No sirree. Don't even try it. For your information, I am one crazy mother.

I am so crazy, I often confuse the proper uses of the words 'affect' and 'effect.' That's right. And there's no use trying to teach me, because I still forget which is which every time. So ask your self, pal, is it worth the risk?

What? What do you mean that doesn't make me crazy? What do you mean those are commonly misused words? You know what? Forget that. Forget it. I'm still crazy, though.

You don't know who you're dealing with, friend.

I'm so crazy I respond to my own personal ads I place in weekly alternative newspapers. Does that sound like someone you want to mess with? Someone who talks to themselves using disappearing, unprofitable media?

Why are you saying that's sad and not crazy? Sad how? Sad like it makes you realize how bad I'd beat you in a fight or sad like it makes you realize how pathetically dull my existence must be?

I've been crazy since birth, man. Absolutely loco. When I was a kid, I used to get my action figures and pretend to have battles between them. That's right. It was Transformers toys versus Hulk Hogan toys versus the Ninja Turtles versus God-knows-who-else. Absolute insanity. That's a crazy, crazy kid.

You did that too? Impossible! No! No. I refuse to believe that, quote, "literally every other young boy does the exact same thing."

Well, get a load of this. When I was a kid, man, I spent the night in the attic after I had a fight with some of my extended family who were staying at our house before we all went on a big Christmas vacation. But because I was in the attic, I overslept and everyone forgot about me. And you know what happened then, pal? My whole family went on vacation without me. Leaving me all by myself on Christmas.

Then a short robber and tall one tried to break into my house. Yeah, and you know what I did to them? You know what me the adorable little nine year-old did to those two guys?

How did you know I iced over the front stairs? And that I super-heated the door knob so they couldn't get in? And that I made the robbers think I was a violent criminal by playing the audio from an old gangster movie?


What about the time I did a similar thing to those very same robbers when I was at a hotel in New York City? Yes, the bellman at the hotel did look a lot like Rob Schneider, but I hardly see what bearing that has on any of this.

Where are you going, man? Hey, don't you walk away from me like that! I'm crazy, you know!

No comments:

Post a Comment