This blog explores the breadth and depth of just how truly horrible I am at being an adult.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

I forgot how to put on pants.

Ok. Just cool it, Tony. COOL IT! You can do this!

It's easy. You've put on pants nearly every day since you were four. Right leg goes into the-- No, that's a pocket. Maybe if I just slide my hand through that belt loop, I can-- Oh, goddammit! I can't do anything right!

This is so embarrassing. Here I am, looking like a buffoon in my shirt, tie and sportscoat, and down below I'm just as bare as the day I was born.

This will never fly at work. Unless... Unless... Maybe I can make this my "look." Yeah! I can be the guy who dresses stylishly sans pants.

Yeah, that's it! People won't look at me and think I've forgotten how to clothe my lower-half; they'll see me as a pantsless fashionista!

I'll be that guy who ushered in a new era of fashion! Pretty soon, everyone will be walking around decked out in their finest upper-body wear while naked as a jaybird from the waist down.

I can see it now...

They'll call it the "Tony!" A man and woman will walk hand in hand in public, their nether regions covered only by the bottoms of their shirts, and people will say, "Look at that couple, pulling a 'Tony'! They look so sexy!" "Pants-free is the way to be," they'll cheer.


Right?... Right?

Oh, who am I kidding? I need to put these damn pants on. I look ridiculous. I've got such hairy legs. Damn my Sicilian blood!

Don't cry. Oh god, don't cry. Tony, if you cry now, things will only get worse. You know how your fingers swell when you get teary, and you cannot afford to lose any manual dexterity!

No. Oh, no. Here come the waterworks. Why are there so many damn clasps and buttons?! My fingers are like sausages!

How wrong all those people were who said, "I'm just like everyone else; I put my pants on one leg at a time." Well, newsflash to all those people. NOT ALL OF US PUT ON PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME! Some of us don't know how to put pants on at all.

It makes me feel like the pants industry doesn't even care about me.

Why don't these things come with a manual? Am I supposed to fit both my legs into one side of the pants and use the other one as a backup? No. That won't work. I don't fit. Is it because that's not how it's done or is it because I'm gaining weight?

Do I go in headfirst? Let's try that. Hrgh. Hrrrak. Can't breathe. GASP. Can't breathe. GASP. Okay. That's probably not it.

I should try it one more time, though. In I go. Glargh. Help! Glurrgh. Okay, that's definitely not it.
Wait, the tag! The tag has instructions! What's that fine print say?

Oh. Silly me... They're not even meant to be worn; it says right here, "Dry Clean Only."


  1. "You know how your fingers swell when you get teary, and you cannot afford to lose any manual dexterity!" I actually laughed via teehee to that statement: "teeheeheeheehee" was me for a few moments.

    I feel so bad for thinking everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time. I'm sorry for ignorantly discriminating against you. lol

  2. The 'teeheehee' is one of my kinds of laughs to elicit. Especially from Asian girls.

    So, thanks for that.