Last week, my friend and writing partner Nate Hinchey asked me if he could write a piece for Reasons I'm a Bad Adult.
"What a great idea," I thought. Not only is Nate funny and an all-around bad person, but I am also fresh out of ideas. A perfect storm!
Enjoy.
Tony’s not the only bad adult. There are literally thousands upon thousands of sub-par, no good, really terrible adults out there in the world. I should know. I’m one of ‘em.
Why? Oh, a lot of reasons. But the one that most readily comes to mind is the staggering level of joy I experience when I watch a kid eat it.
Yeah, eat it, kid.
Sorry, I thought some kid I saw out the window was about to eat it.
The year—2006. The place—a Comfort Suites in Skokie, Illinois. I was lounging in an undersized hot tub next to the hotel’s indoor pool, doing my best to enjoy the tepid bursts of bubbles and lamenting my choice of discount lodging. Then, all of the sudden, my fortunes changed.
A chubby little tweenie (oh, God… yes! I love watching fat kids eat it!) marched into the pool area stripped down to his trunks. I could tell by the look on this kid’s face that he made his own rules—he had probably just finished a meat-lovers Grand Slam at the Denny’s connected to the hotel, and he’d be damned if he waited a full hour before he showed this pool what for!
So it didn’t surprise me, in fact, it actively excited me, when this tubby little boy started to pick up speed as he tooled around the edge of the pool.
Let’s pause for a moment and consider—what would a GOOD adult do in this situation? First off, probably not let your 11-year old roll down to the hotel pool on his own (as I said, there are plenty of us bad adults out there.) But more pertinently, a good adult probably would’ve had warned the kid that it’s not a good idea to run around a pool.
Smash cut to—me, bad adult. If this kid gets going a little bit faster and plants his foot on just the right slippery tile in just the right way, I’m gonna get to see some serious eating.
In my defense, I did manage to restrain myself from saying, “Hey kid! I could totally run around that pool faster than you!”
Mainly because he didn’t need any encouragement. I think the thing I love most about watching a kid eat it is the look on their face right before they realize they’ve lost control—there’s a sense of absolute invincibility, a belief that they are the masters and commanders of their far side of the world.
And then they eat it.
He hit the right tile. He slipped the surly bonds of earth. He came down on his belly like a penguin coasting down a sheet of ice. It seemed like he glided across the entire pool floor before he plopped, a la Augustus Gloop, into the deep end.
I leapt to my feet. I screamed. “Yeah, kid, ohhh, it’s so good when you eat it like that!”
However, I came out of the tub a bit too fast and my swimsuit had fallen down to my ankles. And APPARENTLY, a guy can’t express some innocent satisfaction at little kids ‘eating it’ when he’s standing naked in a kiddie pool… err, hot tub.
50 hours of community service. Worth it.
"What a great idea," I thought. Not only is Nate funny and an all-around bad person, but I am also fresh out of ideas. A perfect storm!
Enjoy.
I Like Watching Little Kids Eat It
Tony’s not the only bad adult. There are literally thousands upon thousands of sub-par, no good, really terrible adults out there in the world. I should know. I’m one of ‘em.
Why? Oh, a lot of reasons. But the one that most readily comes to mind is the staggering level of joy I experience when I watch a kid eat it.
Yeah, eat it, kid.
Sorry, I thought some kid I saw out the window was about to eat it.
The year—2006. The place—a Comfort Suites in Skokie, Illinois. I was lounging in an undersized hot tub next to the hotel’s indoor pool, doing my best to enjoy the tepid bursts of bubbles and lamenting my choice of discount lodging. Then, all of the sudden, my fortunes changed.
A chubby little tweenie (oh, God… yes! I love watching fat kids eat it!) marched into the pool area stripped down to his trunks. I could tell by the look on this kid’s face that he made his own rules—he had probably just finished a meat-lovers Grand Slam at the Denny’s connected to the hotel, and he’d be damned if he waited a full hour before he showed this pool what for!
So it didn’t surprise me, in fact, it actively excited me, when this tubby little boy started to pick up speed as he tooled around the edge of the pool.
Let’s pause for a moment and consider—what would a GOOD adult do in this situation? First off, probably not let your 11-year old roll down to the hotel pool on his own (as I said, there are plenty of us bad adults out there.) But more pertinently, a good adult probably would’ve had warned the kid that it’s not a good idea to run around a pool.
Smash cut to—me, bad adult. If this kid gets going a little bit faster and plants his foot on just the right slippery tile in just the right way, I’m gonna get to see some serious eating.
In my defense, I did manage to restrain myself from saying, “Hey kid! I could totally run around that pool faster than you!”
Mainly because he didn’t need any encouragement. I think the thing I love most about watching a kid eat it is the look on their face right before they realize they’ve lost control—there’s a sense of absolute invincibility, a belief that they are the masters and commanders of their far side of the world.
And then they eat it.
He hit the right tile. He slipped the surly bonds of earth. He came down on his belly like a penguin coasting down a sheet of ice. It seemed like he glided across the entire pool floor before he plopped, a la Augustus Gloop, into the deep end.
I leapt to my feet. I screamed. “Yeah, kid, ohhh, it’s so good when you eat it like that!”
However, I came out of the tub a bit too fast and my swimsuit had fallen down to my ankles. And APPARENTLY, a guy can’t express some innocent satisfaction at little kids ‘eating it’ when he’s standing naked in a kiddie pool… err, hot tub.
50 hours of community service. Worth it.
-- Nate Hinchey
Nate and Tony can be found on Twitter @twoguysinspace and you can find just Nate on Twitter @natehinchey
Nate wins the award for "Most Uses of the Phrase 'Bad Adult' in a Post." His reward? Me being snarky in the comment section.
ReplyDeletePfft.
good story, agree with tony, you said good adult/bad adult too much.
ReplyDeleteIt's called branding you anonymous fuck.
ReplyDeleteThis is great!
ReplyDeleteHaha karma's a bitch eh?
ReplyDeleteHahaha. oh my god. I loved this. it's so cruel yet so funny.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be too fond on the 50 hours of comm. serve though..